Welcome to Mummy Madness

From almost the moment I met my husband I knew I had met my partner in crime. We hit it off from our very first conversation and somehow I knew this was going to be the man I spent my life with. We got married and had two children in 3 years and needless to say my life went from zero to sixty in the blink of an eye.

I am a planner. I like to be prepared for what is coming next. I have a vision of how things “should” be and when things stray from my plan it tends to make me anxious. When I was pregnant with my first child I had no idea that life was about to teach me a lesson.

My son, Mr. T, was born 2 weeks early and my first sign that something was wrong was that he didn’t cry. I was expecting a red faced, screaming baby, cold and angry, demanding to be put back in where it was warm and safe. Instead they tore him from my body and whisked him to the examining table in silence. Then, just as I gathered the courage to ask the nurse why he wasn’t crying, he let out a mew that was more mouse than man. I knew with every ounce of my being that something wasn’t right.

Within 24 hours he was diagnosed with TEF. A life threatening condition that would require surgery. At two days old he was being transferred to Toronto’s Hospital for Sick Children by ambulance and by three days old he was having lifesaving surgery and I knew our lives would never be the same.

We spent 6 weeks in the NICU at Sick Kids. Mr. T. spent 6 weeks fighting, overcoming each obstacle faster than they predicted. I spent 6 weeks waddling through the hallways of the NICU, crying, praying, begging, and hoping we would survive this ordeal.

Somehow we did survive. Somehow we got stronger. Somehow my husband, Mr. C, and I became even closer.

Two years and a day later we were joined by a perfectly healthy little girl, Ms. J, and our family was complete.

It was after my daughter was born that I realized I was struggling. My journey into parenthood started on a rough path. I never resolved my feelings of anxiety, fear and depression surrounding our NICU experience before I added another baby to the mix. I was in trouble. I turned to writing and my words slowly allowed me to crawl out of the hole I had dug myself into. They poured out of me onto the page as fast as the tears flowed and I started to heal.

I began to realize that I had the ability to help others who were struggling with their journey in parenthood. As parents, we all have moments where we aren’t sure what we are doing. We all have moments where we are in trouble. I want to show others that there is no shame to feeling lost sometimes. I continue to write and share my experiences in hopes that I can help part the clouds for someone who is facing their own struggle.