Infertility Sucks

Infertility sucks… It really does. You feel betrayed by a body that should be able to create a new life, you feel less whole, less womanly. For those of you who don’t know, two years ago while hubby and I were trying to conceive our first child I was diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome. Polycystic ovarian syndrome (PSOC) it is a condition in which there is an imbalance in the female hormone. This imbalance may cause changes in the menstrual cycle, skin, small cysts in the ovaries, infertility, weight gain and other problems. So after all the endless needles, infinite lists of medications, and uncomfortable poking and probing we finally conceived and got our first little bundle of joy, and it was worth it, and I would so do it all again…

And so here we are, literally doing it all over again. We are scared and excited. Our household is chaotic, and with all the medication I am taking I am sick 20 out of 24 hours a day, I keep cross referencing my charts and lists of menstrual flows and pill popping punctuality. So imagine my surprise yesterday as I am sitting in hormone hell and I get a phone call from a friend… who isn’t even trying to get pregnant, AT ALL, who announces that she got “knocked up by accident” and just thought she had the flu. I kind of lost it, just a little bit. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love this girl to bits and she will be an awesome mom. But when you are in that bad place, (you know the dark and twisty part of our souls that make us think stupid-crazy-self pitying things) AND you’re on hormone therapy drugs… you’re allowed to lose it… JUST a little bit… Because it seems, that while you are infertile, and struggling to conceive that the whole world is getting pregnant and you are not… I mean my friend’s cat is cooking up a litter as I type this… It also seems that your ‘bad parenting” radar is on super sensitive and that every parent you encounter (the one ignoring her children at McDonalds, the other yelling at her toddler in Wal-Mart)  are the worst parents in the world and that YOU deserve a baby much more then they do.

I’ve been on both sides of this scrutiny, and I have an inkling that I am now being labeled by first time infertile patients at my clinic as “The-one-who-already-has-a-baby-and-is-probably-a-terrible-mother-and-I-so-deserve-a-baby-more-than-her” lady.   And here is what I would like to say:  I’ve walked in your shoes… I’ve looked at the moms who came into the clinic when I was trying to conceive the first time and though the things you probably think of me. In patient chit chat I get the “Well at least you have the ONE.” Or “Oh your so lucky you got pregnant the first time” Be it luck, a blessing, or Devine intervention, I am thankful everyday of my life for my daughter, but having her doesn’t make my infertility any less complicated it doesn’t make the struggle to have more children any less challenging. Now my life focuses on the hope of giving her a sibling, a best friend to play/torture/pick on/love for the rest of her life. My life focuses on building a family, filled with joy, love, laughter, and building the strength to leave the negativity at the door. I will struggle, I will cry, I will feel pain and sorrow. But all of these thing will make me a better woman, wife and mother.

  • Shoshana

    You just described every second of my life, in a nutshell.  Thanks for the article!

    • CrissieC

      You’re welcome. It’s hard dealing with PCOS or any other type of infertility. I hope you find your way through it and become a stronger woman for it. *hugs*

  • Hillarymoore10

    I GET IT! well most of it..9 years of trying, of tears and pain and pills and tests…and humiliation of tests and pain of tests and people who dont get it!!! and people who claim they do and do not…SAME BOAT!! different section though.

    We didnt get pregnant…we adopted two months ago…we went to adopt a 7 year old with a long history and were blessed with that idea..when SUPRISE three weeks before our 7 year olds arrivial we get told were also taking the baby the birth mother had during all our adoption work. INSTANT FAMILY!

    We are beyond blessed with our two new children. I feel your pain deeply…for I too have PCOS…and I know my 9 year journey I wish on no one…well except all my friends who giddly called me in those nine years with their third or fourth baby announcement. I get it…Im sorry your hurting..its a pain like no other…*hugs**

    • CrissieC

      Thank you for your kind words. I am ok most of the time, I have come to understand that I can not control the fact that I have PCOS. I can only control my own actions and how I react to the cards I’ve been dealt in life. Sometimes it’s hard and I cry, or get fustrated. But I have a wonderful husband and a beautiful 19month old daughter to fill my days with love and laughter. We have also decided to adopt if the fertility doesnt work, and even if it does, we might adopt our 3rd child. Adoption has always been a part of my life, I babysat for foster mothers, people in my family are adopted. A mothers love knows no bounds and even if they did not grown in your tummy, they are forever growing in your heart.

  • Kat

    hi all moms
    CrissieC love ur story…been there tried 4 17yrs finally got our miracle boy
    loving it he is 30mths now time flies he is my world…how can i connect here with u ladies i have some news for anyone struggling with infertility.
    please message me with infertility in subject line for info
    thnx hugz to all the ladies
    my email…

  • Carob82

    Thank you for sharing! You make this life experience less lonely!

    • kat

      how are you? Carob82  are you trying to conceive ?
      pls email me  or message me with ur email and i can share some awesome info with you.
      look 4ward to hearing fr you
      smiles never b lonely were here for you.

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  • Jennifer

    I’d like to share my own experience of IVF. Pregnancy has always disgusted and scared me but for some reason I was always also really curious about what it would feel like. When I finally come to idea of having a baby, I discover that due to health condition I can’t conceive in natural way. One day my husband saw positive reviews on net. It was clinic in the capital of Ukraine, particularly in Kiev, center for human reproduction. They offered great conditions and what is the most important the guarantee of positive result. We done waiting to get in and had a consultation. Maria, the clinic manager is a star. Totally excellent customer service, being flexible, patient, treating me as a fellow human being with kindness, consideration and clear organized responses to my queries. The embryology team has been great. After the second attempt I was pregnant. We were so happy and thankful.

  • Margo Lake

    Well, as it happened, we have poor reproductive health in our family. I know, that my mother contact a lot with doctors and took a lot of medicine for having child. I have grown up… And it turns, that I have the same problem. Unfortunately, the mother`s treatment doesn’t work with me. Our fertility specialist said that we could try IVF procedure but he didn’t guarantee positive outcome. As a result, all three rounds of IVF were failed. Because I couldn’t carry my baby to term. After all this attempt my doctors said that I should think about surrogacy or adoption. My husband and I decided that we should try surrogacy. We decided to find a clinic abroad where we could use surrogacy in commercial way. Unfortunately, this procedure in our country is banned by the government. And I am really grateful to my mum who found biotexcom in Kiev. Because the cost of surrogacy there is only around 30k euros. So we collected all the med documents and made a request to this clinic. The reply was quick and the manager said that the doctors ready to see for free consultation only in 2 months. Well, at the appointment day my husband and I were in the clinic. And I should say that it is great place. The doctors are the professionals in the reproductive issues. We received answers an all our questions. I didn’t expect to see such high level of medicine in Ukraine. We start our surrogacy process in February 2017 and the surrogate mother got pregnant with our baby from the first attempt. The surrogate mother delivered healthy and strong baby. The clinic also helped to deal with all baby`s documents. Currently our little daughter is 2 months. And I am still can`t believe that we have our little angel.

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