Infertility sucks… It really does. You feel betrayed by a body that should be able to create a new life, you feel less whole, less womanly. For those of you who don’t know, two years ago while hubby and I were trying to conceive our first child I was diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome. Polycystic ovarian syndrome (PSOC) it is a condition in which there is an imbalance in the female hormone. This imbalance may cause changes in the menstrual cycle, skin, small cysts in the ovaries, infertility, weight gain and other problems. So after all the endless needles, infinite lists of medications, and uncomfortable poking and probing we finally conceived and got our first little bundle of joy, and it was worth it, and I would so do it all again…
And so here we are, literally doing it all over again. We are scared and excited. Our household is chaotic, and with all the medication I am taking I am sick 20 out of 24 hours a day, I keep cross referencing my charts and lists of menstrual flows and pill popping punctuality. So imagine my surprise yesterday as I am sitting in hormone hell and I get a phone call from a friend… who isn’t even trying to get pregnant, AT ALL, who announces that she got “knocked up by accident” and just thought she had the flu. I kind of lost it, just a little bit. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love this girl to bits and she will be an awesome mom. But when you are in that bad place, (you know the dark and twisty part of our souls that make us think stupid-crazy-self pitying things) AND you’re on hormone therapy drugs… you’re allowed to lose it… JUST a little bit… Because it seems, that while you are infertile, and struggling to conceive that the whole world is getting pregnant and you are not… I mean my friend’s cat is cooking up a litter as I type this… It also seems that your ‘bad parenting” radar is on super sensitive and that every parent you encounter (the one ignoring her children at McDonalds, the other yelling at her toddler in Wal-Mart) are the worst parents in the world and that YOU deserve a baby much more then they do.
I’ve been on both sides of this scrutiny, and I have an inkling that I am now being labeled by first time infertile patients at my clinic as “The-one-who-already-has-a-baby-and-is-probably-a-terrible-mother-and-I-so-deserve-a-baby-more-than-her” lady. And here is what I would like to say: I’ve walked in your shoes… I’ve looked at the moms who came into the clinic when I was trying to conceive the first time and though the things you probably think of me. In patient chit chat I get the “Well at least you have the ONE.” Or “Oh your so lucky you got pregnant the first time” Be it luck, a blessing, or Devine intervention, I am thankful everyday of my life for my daughter, but having her doesn’t make my infertility any less complicated it doesn’t make the struggle to have more children any less challenging. Now my life focuses on the hope of giving her a sibling, a best friend to play/torture/pick on/love for the rest of her life. My life focuses on building a family, filled with joy, love, laughter, and building the strength to leave the negativity at the door. I will struggle, I will cry, I will feel pain and sorrow. But all of these thing will make me a better woman, wife and mother.