Toughest Decision Ever

I entered into the world of blogging by accident really. It all started when I was put on bed rest as I entered the third trimester of my twin pregnancy. As a journalist I needed an outlet and writing was it. That was two years ago!

Since then I’ve shared my story of struggling to conceive, then of giving birth to two beautiful preemies as well as the exhausting, fun and crazy moments after that. It’s been quite a journey and jotting it all down has helped me commemorate each moment of it.

In this blog, I’ll be writing about the most difficult thing I’ve had to go through since becoming a mom…going back to work.

It wasn’t only a difficult decision because I’ve been out of the workforce for two years but it was even harder because my girls and I are so attached. They’re now 22 months old and we’ve barely been apart. My days with them consisted of watching them play while I sip my coffee, going out for daily walks with them and our dog, making all of their meals and of course many, many cuddles. Was I ready to give that up? Of course not! Was I ready to have someone else see them learn and grow instead of me? No way! Yet, sadly my hopes of becoming a full time stay at home mom faded as our savings did.

We saved some money, adjusted our expenses and lived happily on a single income during my six month leave of absence from work, which I took following my maternity leave. Sadly, as our bills came in, the money from our savings went out and we decided that a double income was best for our family at this time.

The daycare transition wasn’t only an emotional one but a physical one. Slowly shifting morning wake ups from 8am to 7am, meal planning and prepping and laying out clothes the night before. Our already organized life was now becoming even more organized.

Dropping the girls off for their first day of daycare actually wasn’t so bad, other than the look of shock and confusion on their faces as I walked out the door. That was day one. By day three (as our daycare lady had warned) things didn’t go so smoothly. The girls had figured out what to expect from with new routine and the tears started as soon as we got to the house.

Thankfully our daycare lady messaged to let me know that the tears stopped almost as soon as I had pulled out of the driveway. That made it a bit easier to bare…but not much.

Everyday since there’s been tears, some days from only one of them, some days from both, which makes my drive to work a long and unbearable one.

As if the tears aren’t enough, now the girls (one more than the other) have become extremely clingy. Always whining for “momma” to pick her “up.” I don’t mind feeling needed but I feel bad for my other twin since I feel one is getting more attention than the other. I also feel bad for my husband because they’re always wanting “mommy” rather than “daddy.”

I’ve been told that the separation anxiety is just a phase and that it will end soon enough along with the tears. Hopefully it ends before I hit my breaking point. Being a stay at home mommy was exhausting but incredibly fulfilling. Being a working mom is also exhausting but I feel that I’m missing out on so much in their lives. After all, they’re only little once.


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