The natural whiner
The act of lurching, arching, and general squirming about that a toddler performs when being unjustly and involuntarily put into a stringent torturous device known as the “car seat”. Can also be activated by the common shopping cart.
The art of holding on to a convenient staircase, tippy hall table or even more unstable parent, while simultaneously shaking out one leg with violent thrusts until a constrictive and rubberized containment unit known as a rain boot is ejected from the blighted foot to land squarely in the face of an innocent bystander or bewildered family pet.
The unshakable belief instilled in all small children that not only does the credo “my way or the highway” hold true, but that “my way” is best performed after the activity has already been performed to resounding success by a clueless caregiver. Examples, slipping on Velcro runners, unwrapping cheese string things, and choosing underwear.
The ability (and suspected preference) of toddlers to wear and walk in shoes and boots placed with right on left, and left on right. (P.S. They don’t care if they look silly – it feels fine! Me do it!)
The unexplained yet totally provable theory that every tiny dust and dirt particle circling in the immediate area of a small child will be sucked into the palms, creases, and folds of their chubby little hands.
The release of the accumulated materials from Magnetoddler. This occurs only when the toddler is brought into contact with freshly washed windows, white linen skirts, elderly relatives’ cream coloured shag carpets or pale yellow brushed suede couches.
A toddler with a continuous supply of dischargeable materials from the nasal cavities. The stream (or boulders, depending) may only be stemmed by the insertion of same child’s magnetoddlerized finger. Affects approximately 99% of the toddler population.
The red face, clenched fists, stamping feet and shriek of rage that is characteristic of all small children upon the unexpected and totally infuriating discovery that life is, in fact, “not fair”. A similar reaction can be discovered while viewing grown men watch their favourite sports team or children’s triple AAA hockey team lose in a game where the referee is clearly a biased idiot.
Excerpted from “The BlackBerry Diaries: Adventures in Modern Motherhood”, by Kathy Buckworth, Key Porter Books, April, 2009.