My 3 year old is a very picky eater. She does not want to eat anything but raisin toast, peanut butter or nutella sandwiches, or pizza. Will she outgrow this? How do I get her to try new foods. Every time I suggest that she eat something different, she actually looks frightened, she whines about it, and sometimes even starts to cry. What should I do?

Few things can trigger a Mom’s anxiety more than a child who will not eat. Yet one of the most important things we can do for our little ones is feed them a healthy varied diet. The tough part is, it doesn’t take long for little ones to figure out that eating or not eating is a big trigger for parents, and one of the few ways they can control their world.

Respect his independence around wanting to feed himself and try backing away a bit. It is so hard when they will only eat the same foods, I was sure my son was going to turn into a chicken nugget. Try not to sit in front of him with your eyes wide open and your fingers crossed, this puts too much pressure on your child and gives them too much control. Begging, pleading or promising a reward for eating can promote some bad habits. Getting angry or withholding your love or approval for not eating is also not a helpful and can be damaging. Continue to give your child a variety of foods to try but make sure you look relaxed and calm. Getting into battles over food can cause kids to associate fighting, arguing, or pleasing Mom and Dad with eating and food choices.

Try to be neutral way, comment if he tries something new – but don’t have a parade and call the Grandparents! Over reacting can cause kids to back away because they are afraid to disappoint their parents in the future.

Try making tasting food a pleasant but not emotionally loaded experience: pick a food to try yourself that you haven’t before and model that for your child. See if they will put food on their tongue and leave it there while you count to 10, then they can spit it out. The next day have him try the same food but chew it before he spits it out. Kids need to be introduced to new foods several times before they acquire a taste for it, especially kids who have sensory issues around not just taste but food texture. You can also sneak vegetables or other healthy foods into those pancakes he loves so much, starting with small amounts, then increasing them.

Many kids are like this in the early years, sometimes even up to 7 or 8 years old. Invest in some great vitamins and a whole lot of patience. Make sure to consult your pediatrician if you are really worried about nutrition or extreme food refusal.

Don’t worry about this at all; it is perfectly normal for children of this age to have imaginary friends. The fact that your daughter can entertain herself and keep herself busy when you are not with her is a good thing. Magical thinking is typical for young children and begins to fade around the age of 11 or 12 when the adult part of the brain begins to develop. I can remember when my son came to me at 12 and said “Mommy, something has been happening to me when I play lately, I can’t see the characters any more, and playing is not as fun.” I felt sad to hear him say that but knew it meant he was growing up. It won’t be long before your daughter can’t see Brianna anymore.

In the meantime, Brianna may even be helpful when it’s time to do things your daughter doesn’t want to do. Tell your daughter to ask Brianna if she can help by coming along when she’s nervous or feeling sad. There is a wonderful book called Jessica by Kevin Henkes, about what happens to a little girl when she is afraid to go to school and how her imaginary friend helps her. Have some fun with it and don’t worry or make her feel embarrassed. Brianna will most likely long gone by the time your daughter is in grade one, you may even find that you miss her.

This is such a tough issue because for many of us it is not only exhausting but so emotional. We want sleep and not having it effects our ability to function, to be a good parent and to do the things we need to do. What makes this issue even more difficult for many parents is the fact that child is crying and that they get so worked up and upset in the process. It breaks a parent’s heart and so we start sleep programs then abandon them when it gets to be too much. The stopping and starting of sleep programs actually makes children more upset and anxious about sleep and escalates the problem so they start at a more intense level of protest the next night. The only one getting trained in these situations is the parent who responds by giving in when the crying is more than they can tolerate.

You really have two options you can start with your toddler in your bed or you can chose a sleep program and stick with it until the end. If you don’t mind your child in your bed since she will end up there anyway you can just put her to sleep in your bed. It is better to do that than start a program and quit in the middle. They will learn to go to sleep quickly because they feel secure and will most likely sleep through the night because they sense your presence. If they are going to end up there anyway and it sounds like your child always does just leave it this way until your child matures a bit and learns that falling asleep is something they can actually do. If you do not want your child to sleep in your bed and you or your spouse are not comfortable with co-sleeping, then you need to pick a program and follow it through which means understanding that it will be hard to tolerate. There are several tried and true sleep programs out there, and they all work differently depending on your child. What works with one may not work on another.

The Ferber Method

The Ferber method , developed by Dr, Richard Ferber, can work very well for some kids. It is a bit hard on parents, but when it works, it works. The key is to be consistent and follow through. Every time you give in you make it harder for your child and harder for yourself the next night. If you do have a partner and they can handle it better you may want to leave the house and let them take over. It worked with beautifully with my first child but didn’t work at all with my middle child.

Co-Sleeping

We settled on this sleep method for our middle child, which meant she was put to sleep in our bed and stayed there. She stayed in our bed until she slept through the night without waking, which took a couple of months. You can also have your toddler start in their own bed but when you hear them start to stir and fuss take them to your bed without them fully waking. This can give the brain a signal that they were always safe and that night waking is not necessary. Eventually they have so many experiences of feeling safe, that she did not need to wake up or cry to let us know that and with that knowledge she slept through the night on her own. That worked for us and we didn’t mind. It may not work for everyone.

“The “Baby Whisperer”

This method also is an interesting graduated sleep method that is a little gentler than the Ferber method and can work very well.

It is important to remember not to worry too much. The vast majority of children get over their sleep issues no matter what you do or don’t do, and poor sleeping will become a distant memory. These years are temporary and it helps to remember that, chances are, you will not have your teenager sleeping in your bed.

Sleep is a loaded and emotional issue and many parents compare and feel compelled to share their children’s “sleeping through the night abilities” and some equate this with good parenting. Don’t let this worry you and don’t evaluate your parenting based on you child’s sleep patterns. There are as many sleep techniques as there are kinds of kids. Some work like a charm on some children and fall flat on others. All the advice can seem overwhelming and contradictory. You have to know as a parent which technique will work for your child and which one will work for you. Talk to your Pediatrician if you are worried but remember the key to any program is to follow through with constancy and commitment. The vast majority of children get over their sleep issues no matter what you do or don’t do, and poor sleeping will become a distant memory. These years are temporary and it helps to remember that, chances are, you will not have your 16-year-old sleeping in your bed.

I was so embarrassed, as this girls mother was with her, and I have to admit that I didn’t really know what to do. I told her not to do it again, and unsuccessfully tried to explain her behaviour to the other mother. How do I discipline a two year old? Why didn’t the other mother seem to understand my predicament, don’t all two year olds hit, push and scratch each other once in a while?

A: It is so mortifying when our kids do things like this in front of others, especially when they hurt another child. Additionally, in this situation you have the complication of dealing with the emotions of the other parent who was not prepared to be understanding. It is common though, for parents to go into protective mode when their little one gets hurt. Sometimes, in their effort to protect their child from harm, they forget that the offender is just a little toddler. Typically, the other parents will reconsider their responses once the moment is in the past and they have time to reflect. Meanwhile, try to handle the immediate situation by demonstrating your concern for the hurt child and calmly but firmly telling your toddler that their behaviour was unacceptable. The other parent will get over it.

You are right in saying that children at your daughter’s age can be aggressive. They are still learning to sort out their emotions. Think of your little girl as a small caveperson who has all of these big feelings that she is not yet able to regulate or even understand. It is common for children at this age to hit, scratch, pull hair or even bite. They don’t have to be angry either; they just feel an intense flood of emotion and could end up biting you with smiles on their faces. It takes some time for them to sort out all of these primal urges. The part of the brain that takes perspective and regulates behaviour is not fully formed yet. It’s important to remember that toddlers are strongly motivated by whichever actions elicit exciting or interesting responses, like pushing a button and having lots of bells and whistles go off. If they bite or hit they can almost always count on some big reaction from the recipient of these unfortunate behaviours.

If this happens again and it most likely will, your response should be as neutral as you can muster. Remind your child that we don’t hurt people but don’t use too much language or lecture. She is too young and all those words will just overwhelm her. Keep it simple, then calmly remove her from the situation. You can pick her up or lead her away by the hand. Think of this as an interruption in the behaviour. Stay steady. I know this is really hard, especially if your child is hurting another child, but don’t let your embarrassment lead you to lose your cool. Have your daughter sit for a short while (two or three minutes) as you apologize to the hurt child and her parent. You don’t even have to debrief your child when her timeout is over. The interruption will have been enough although you can ask your child to say sorry or give the other child a high five or a hug. Don’t push it though, especially if you think your child may hit again or if the other child seems too stressed. Resume playing and if your toddler hits again, remove her again for a sit.

By repeating this “you hit, you sit” formula in a neutral way, she will learn that nothing interesting happens when she hits or bites and that she just gets interrupted from her play. You may have to do this several times a day, but if you stick to this consistently, it should dramatically decrease this aggressive behaviour. Good luck and don’t worry; this is a stage and it will pass.

I love being a therapist and I especially love working with children one on one. Kids are amazing and they fascinate me whether they are infants or teenagers. Many years ago as a beginning therapist at a children’s mental health centre, I learned the power of connecting, deep listening and empathy in my work with children. I saw the powerful impact this had on their treatment. Even though I was only seeing them once a week I could see it working, I could see them feeling better, more confident and buoyant. And it occurred to me, what would happen if I taught the parents to do what I do? What would happen if I helped all parents not just those with troubled kids to use the skills that therapists use to protect and enhance bonds and ensure healthy emotional development.

It turns out that recent research suggests that developmental experiences have a profound impact on how a mature brain functions. The more pleasant experiences a child’s brain has, the more the brain specializes for positive emotion – meaning that later in life, he or she may cope better with stress, become more resilient, and be more positive in general. The closer and more connected children are to their parents the lower their anxiety, the better their self esteem, and the stronger their social skills. Research also shows that the presence of a consistent nurturing care giver decreases risk of mental health issues and addiction in later life. Most of us think we are pretty good at being empathic and ensuring a strong connection with our kids but it is harder than you think.
Most parents love their children and want only the best for them, but when a child says no all the time, is acting out, anxious, not sleeping, or throwing tantrums that bond can become frayed. It takes many tools in your parenting toolbox to be a great parent and to raise healthy happy kids. Your relationship and how well you balance empathy, nurturing and correcting are the most important experiences of all.

There are times when we all feel lost, anxious or frustrated, especially as first time parents. Many of us are shocked to find how much parenting can stress our relationships with our partner, spouse or our extended family. We may wonder why our child is the only one not sleeping through the night, or stuck our legs in the play group or having a tantrum in an ice cream store.

I will deal with all of this and more. I look forward to being a part of your parenting journey in some small way.