Married Sex: Hunting the Mythical Beast
Sometimes I’m not sure if my readers are more shocked by the WAY I talk about sex on my blog – or by the fact that I actually HAVE sex and four young children under seven. The resounding comment on my blog is, “I will try to remember these things in case my husband/wife and I EVER have sex again!”
And you know what? I get it. For a few years there it felt like the only time my husband and I had sex was when we were actively trying to get pregnant. And after the second or third night of “trying” we were ready to wait a month until the next window.
Sometimes the most intimate we were was just leaving the other one in the bedroom to make magic alone and then get some much needed sleep. We weren’t going for movie-style intimacy, we were just trying to hang onto some semblance of our sexuality.
After my fourth daughter was born it got much more difficult. First of all we had three young children who were keeping us hopping during the day and a newborn who was keeping us awake all night. Then, YEARS of breastfeeding had taken their toll on my estrogen level and I was just NOT IN THE MOOD. And when I WAS in the mood my body wouldn’t cooperate, so it hurt – pain is definitely NOT an aphrodisiac!
I talked to my doctor and she gave me an estrogen based lubricant that worked wonders. First of all, it helped during sex but then the estrogen was absorbed and helped me get to the point that I no longer needed it. If you think that you have a physical issue (pain, or anything that’s not like it used to be) please ask your doctor.
Once we’d resolved that issue we ran straight into another issue – timing. I’m a night person. I have a lot of things to do during the day and I can’t relax completely until they’re done and everything is put away and things are in their proper place and my face is washed and my teeth are brushed, etc.
My husband is more laid back but when he’s tired, he’s TIRED. Bedtime for him is LIGHTS OUT, no talking, keep your hands to yourself time. So you can see what I mean about timing issues. Day after day he would walk into my home office and get shot down. Night after night I would roll toward him only to have him roll away.
And it was okay, our marriage was strong enough. But after a while I realized that it didn’t HAVE to be. We didn’t have to have a lackluster sex life because we had a strong marriage. Sure, on the weeks where we all came down with a stomach bug it was good to know that sex could take a back burner but during the weeks when things were going well it was equally good to know that I was married to a man who could curl my toes – TWICE.
We started trying to be more flexible. I realized that if I was in the mood during the day we could squeeze some time together into 15 minutes – certainly less time than I was allowed for lunch – and easily shorter than my daughter’s nap. We started going to bed earlier.
And the more sex we managed to have, the more we thought about sex and the more sex we ended up having. There were weeks when we had sex five times – and they were followed by weeks where we didn’t have sex at all. And then there were weeks after weeks after weeks when we had sex twice. There was really no pressure to keep score but the point was that we were in the habit of having sex instead of in the habit of NOT having sex. And while our marriage may have been strong enough to withstand NOT having sex, it was nice that it didn’t HAVE TO. There was no pressure to have newlywed sex but it was nice to be enjoying my body with a man who could curl my toes – TWICE.
Kit is a working mother of four children; two boys and two girls, ages seven, six, five and three. Her house is a constant playdate. She is married to a wonderful Stay-at-home-dad who keeps her laughing through the chaos. Kit blogs anonymously at www.bloggingdangerously.com