Sex and Infertility

SEX… it’s a big part of getting pregnant naturally. I am not going to go into the details of it, but trust me when I say; you need to have sex to have a baby. So of course when I was diagnosed with infertility it took a huge toll on the quality of sex I was having in my marriage. Then I got pregnant, and had a baby and the lack of sex in our relationship became more due to lack of sleep which we gladly traded in for our little bundle of joy.

Fast forward two years later and us trying for baby number two. Sex in our home has become, “Operation Baby Making” a timed, mechanical act that is filled with anxiety, desperation and is so forced, it feels so wrong. What was once a passionate expression of our love and desire for one another feels like an obligation, it’s no longer “Making Love” but just a physical act to get the job done.

Infertility really has changed my experience with sex. No matter what sex means to you in your relationships, suddenly being expected to have sex on demand can alter how you feel towards it. Hubby is tired, and stressed out most of the time and I feel unattractive, unwanted, and depressed. It makes us not want to have sex at all and wishing that immaculate conceptions were an option.

For most couples sex is a relatively private act, (though some people find pleasure involving more than two people.) But when you are dealing with infertility, and you start to talk to family and friends about it, your bedroom can quickly become a very crowded space, it seems your whole social circle is sitting there in the room judging you, or rooting you on. The social pressure to get pregnant mixed with the knowledge that family and friends are worried for you, has put unneeded pressure on us and our sex.

There are so many ironies at this time of my life. It seems I spent the beginning of my sexually active years taking pleasure in having sex while avoiding getting pregnant, only to find myself now trying to get pregnant, having ungratifying sex and discovering that it doesn’t happen.  Sex used to also be one of my greatest stress relievers, and now is the greatest cause for my anxiety.

We are now on month three of fertility treatment and awful sex and still nothing. I am starting to get a bit upset, especially since the three negative pregnancy test results came back to us on important days, In November: Hubby’s birthday. December: Christmas and in January: My own birthday. We find it a bit discouraging, but we are trying to stay positive and focus on the good things in our life, like the daughter we do have, and the fact that she will be turning two soon. (Where has the time gone?)

Hubby and I have talked about our sex-stress. We are working on making things easier for ourselves. Trying to get back to the joy of sex, taking time out of the fertility stress to enjoy a night out together, to enjoy each other, remembering where we came from as a couple, and rediscovering ourselves and the love, passion and joy we felt when we first got together. Sometimes, to go forward the best thing to do is look in the past.