Courage & Fear

How much courage does one need to decide to have a child?

Why should one have a baby? What’s the point in bringing a child to this crazy, violent, hostile world? Really, why should one even consider all the trouble around having the risk to love someone like it hurts, more than you ever thought you could bear (I heard it’s something like that), and know that this will be the most important dimension of your life ‘til the day you die? The only answer I am able to articulate is: Yes, I want a child.

I really like my life. Okay, it could better, but then again… it could always be better.

I’m married to this guy who is the-best-guy-ever. He not only reads poetry, he even writes poetry. Ha! And may I say it’s not junk poetry, it’s good stuff.

He loves me so.

And I love him so.

And we have a cat.

Yup, we have one of those. Of course I’d also love to have a dog, but it’s much more work than I am up to. Uh, wait, we have a point here: she’s not up to all the work around a dog but she’s considering having a kid? Oh boy.

Just kidding, we’re not going to compare having a child with having a pet. Different desires for different commitments. And there is nothing more to say about that.

So, I want to have a child. Since 1997. (You may now imagine one of those “established” signs.) Yes, since 1997. Or may I say since ever? I’m one of those freaks whom always thought was born to nurse babies, many babies. Here we are, the year of 2013, and I am still not a mother, no one calls me mom. Imagine: I could have a whole teenager!

My story: At first, I found out that my body was in trouble (you’re likely wondering ”why doesn’t she just adopt?”, let’s leave that for another day), then my life was in trouble, after that my head was in trouble and then years just went by (hiding from the fear).

Going back to the initial query, how much courage does one need to decide to have a child? And fast forward, how much courage does one need to have to go under treatment(s) to have a child? I think I’ll never be able to answer this question, or maybe the question is just wrong, I don’t know. I guess that the only possible explanation is the “sudden moment snap” theory (not my theory but I named it). So, the “sudden moment snap” theory consists of taking months (or even years) to try to decide on something. For example, you consult friends or even get professional guidance, you write down pros and cons lists and one day while you are putting away your groceries you suddenly snap and the decision is made. That’s it, no more reflections about it. The decision is made and you feel this is the point of no return.

It is. There is no going back to who you were before deciding you want to bring a child to this world. A child whom you are willing to love with all of your strength and forever fear for their welfare. Til-the-day-you-die.

There is actually no return from the day you decide that you want to have a child. From that day on, you want your body to change, you want to give birth no matter how much it frightens you, you want to hold one of those little creatures in your arms and think “oh, look at him/her, he/she is mine, from me, from my love with this wonderful man” and all those silly thoughts that make you feel at ease with the earth. You want it all, you are even willing to loose your sleep and (what the heck!) you are willing to let go of your “peace of mind” and “freedom”.

I guess that by now you’ve speculated why am I mentioning so many hypothetical moods and feelings about motherhood. You know… when you have 15 years to live in the “when/what if” stage, you collect many examples and wonder about them, sometimes you even think you may picture how it is. It’s only a wide range of imagery working in your brain together with your dreams. Still it does hurt in your chest, because no matter how much you dream (day & night) nor how much you do it all according to the books, you don’t get it.

You just don’t get it.

Maybe it is not written in the stars for you. You had forgotten that things don’t come easy for you. Why should a baby be something natural? Before you get to be presented with all those worries and dirty diapers, you have to pass a few tests. And still, Madame, we don’t guarantee you’ll get it.

That is infertility, ladies and gentlemen. That is what separates me from what seems like the rest of the world. Infertility is what causes me to live in non-stop-existentialism-town. I just don’t get it. I was supposed to have a little doubt, then decide, have some nice sex and see the red lines in the pregnancy test. But no, the universe has higher plans for me. I’m special so I’ve been chosen to go through this anguish. It is a prize, you know. I get to go to all of these different doctors and hospitals and go through all these tests. I even get to inject myself. I’m a society-tolerated junkie. I’m a piece of meat. I’m a leg-spreaded guinea pig. I know it’s not nice but at the least it is the truth. I’m impotent. I’m my mommy’s hurt little girl.

Life has denied me, and so many women and men, something life itself taught us would be ours naturally and I am afraid I don’t know how to put it into words for you to ever understand. I have tried so many times. I don’t know how to tell you what it is like to live with this absence. One thing I may say is that, even if you don’t know what to say to your infertile friend, your friendship and empathy are welcome.

And that is what I’ve been living with – Infertility and trying to keep things in perspective. With a little help from my friends, just like The Beatles.

If you recall, earlier I said I really like my life. And I do. I am very happy. I have my cake, but the cherry is missing. So, as much as it hurts, I smile and laugh everyday. And I don’t run away from my devilish fertile family and friends. I also find myself checking my friend’s baby website everyday and even commenting on things. And one day she asks me if I want to share my infertility experience with you. And I’m all like, “Hellooo, I’m your babyless friend and this is a baby website. ” And here I am, starting round two of InVitro Fertilization next month. Hello.